I had to give the clinic the news today that #8 did not make it.
We were hoping that, as we had made the decision that my 45th birthday was D-day and we were not going to try again, we could now get on with our lives knowing that we had tried out best to create our perfect family.
However, things have not quite turned out like that. I spoke to the nurse to give her the result and asked if the embryologist could ring me to discuss our options. We still have one embryo, this one is a day 6 as did not make it to blast stage as quickly as the others.
So the options are: Transfer, Keep in storage for another 5 years, Donation, Research or disposal.
We are going to take 6 weeks out to decide where we want to go next, the decision is so hard.
Transfer- even if everything went to plan (which we all know, in the world of IVF it rarely does 😩) there is no way I could give birth before my 46th birthday! Meaning I’d be 50 before the child started school, is this fair on the child I keep asking myself.
Keep in storage – This isn’t really an option again due to my age, we would still have to make this same decision in 5 years and would not have option of transfer so there would be no point. We need to make a clean break away from clinics and meds and live our lives.
Donation – My initial feelings are that I could not consider this option either, as much as I would love to help another couple who are going through what we have been through, this embryo is my daughters full brother or sister and would they always feel that we had given up on them?? It almost feels like giving away my baby. I would always be wondering does he/she look like me or my daughter and praying that they are having a good life. What if they are donated to the wrong family 😔.
Research – Again this is something I know would be an honourable thing to do but to me this embryo is my baby and however much I’m told it is just a few cells I couldn’t help imagining them carrying out all these tests on a life that we created.
Disposal – I asked the embryologist what this entails and she told me they just remove it from the freezer and allow it to ‘perish’ I just dont know how we could do this 😭.
So now we are still in limbo, no idea what to do next, there just isn’t an option that is a ‘no brainer’ they all come with their own heartbreak.
After our conversation the embryologist went on to tell me all about my left over frostie, although slow it is a top grade blastocyst and is just as viable as the other 4 we had transferred this year and is doing well. This did not at all help with the conundrum and if anything made it even harder.
This is so hard, what do I do for the best? If only someone could make the decision for me.