OTD – BFN #7 😥

I had to give the clinic the news today that #8 did not make it.

We were hoping that, as we had made the decision that my 45th birthday was D-day and we were not going to try again, we could now get on with our lives knowing that we had tried out best to create our perfect family.

However, things have not quite turned out like that. I spoke to the nurse to give her the result and asked if the embryologist could ring me to discuss our options. We still have one embryo, this one is a day 6 as did not make it to blast stage as quickly as the others.

So the options are: Transfer, Keep in storage for another 5 years, Donation, Research or disposal.

We are going to take 6 weeks out to decide where we want to go next, the decision is so hard.

Transfer- even if everything went to plan (which we all know, in the world of IVF it rarely does 😩) there is no way I could give birth before my 46th birthday! Meaning I’d be 50 before the child started school, is this fair on the child I keep asking myself.

Keep in storage – This isn’t really an option again due to my age, we would still have to make this same decision in 5 years and would not have option of transfer so there would be no point. We need to make a clean break away from clinics and meds and live our lives.

Donation – My initial feelings are that I could not consider this option either, as much as I would love to help another couple who are going through what we have been through, this embryo is my daughters full brother or sister and would they always feel that we had given up on them?? It almost feels like giving away my baby. I would always be wondering does he/she look like me or my daughter and praying that they are having a good life. What if they are donated to the wrong family 😔.

Research – Again this is something I know would be an honourable thing to do but to me this embryo is my baby and however much I’m told it is just a few cells I couldn’t help imagining them carrying out all these tests on a life that we created.

Disposal – I asked the embryologist what this entails and she told me they just remove it from the freezer and allow it to ‘perish’ I just dont know how we could do this 😭.

So now we are still in limbo, no idea what to do next, there just isn’t an option that is a ‘no brainer’ they all come with their own heartbreak.

After our conversation the embryologist went on to tell me all about my left over frostie, although slow it is a top grade blastocyst and is just as viable as the other 4 we had transferred this year and is doing well. This did not at all help with the conundrum and if anything made it even harder.

This is so hard, what do I do for the best? If only someone could make the decision for me.

Transfer #8

Today was my last ever transfer, my last time walking through the doors to a clinic I’ve grown to know so well.

Since TTC in 2009 we’ve been through so much it’s been a rollercoaster to say the least.

10 years, 20 internal scans, 16 blood tests, 157 injections, 380 yummy pessaries and 415 oestrogen tablets not to mention the hundreds of folic acid tablets taken needlessly, my story is almost at an end.

Today the transfer went to plan, embryologist rang at 10 and we had to be at the clinic for 12.15. Drank plenty of water. I was #3 on the list and went in for transfer at 1.20.

Had a quick chat with the embryologist, all was good with our day 5 emby so got changed and took up that oh so dignified position for the last time.

I got a cracking picture this time thanks to the nurse. I know these images well but for those who don’t, the tiny white dot in the uterine lining is the fluid encasing #8 embryo.

Now all we can do is wait and hope, OTD is 12th November. Here we go 2WW do your worst, this time I’m feeling stronger and determined you will not break me.

Watch this space xxx

#8 I’m a lucky girl!

Today was scan day on day 17 which is unusual, it’s usually day 13 or 14, I asked and was told it was because I started meds on day 3.

Frozen transfer again, my 4th this year and feeling not too optimistic. If frostie #1 had made it, he/she would be due next week.

Next friday is my 45th birthday and I just cant help but think about the future, I will be nearly 50 before he/she starts school 😥😥. Am I thinking about myself or my child? I would love my daughter to have a sibling. I would love to love another child but is it all about me??? I just cant bring myself to ask the clinic to destroy my babies.

Lining is 9.8 today fantastic results! This is number 4 frozen. My baby girl was #4 . Got to be optimistic.

Bring on those yummy, greasy, knickers ruining pessaries.

I have decided, it’s my 45 birthday next Friday, this is my last try, I can’t do this any more 😔😔 xx

OTD – 2WW #7 and BFN #6

This 2 week wait I have taken a different approach. That of hibernation.

As usual my gut feeling was right. I have felt different this time around, I think following the stressful transfer and the poor expansion of my little embie I was disheartened and I felt as though it was finished before it even began. Far from being excited as previous cycles i have just felt beaten from day 1, hence my lack of posts.

I have felt a few symtoms and have still kept a note of them, mainly for the next 2ww so I realise none of these symptoms mean anything. None of them really gave me hope:

Day 1: Nothing, not a single twinge.

Day 2: Very mild tugging and throbbing sensations most of the day, left side of uterus. No definite flutters I had felt with previous BFPs

Day 3: lower back ache from waking up in the morning getting gradually worse throughout the day. Very mild dull AF intermittent throbbing, no cramps though. Bloating. Strange shooting pain across pubic area just before sleep.

Day 4: Not a good day. Feeling yucky, sickly and just no motivation. Back ache getting progressively worse so had to start the pain killers. Slight pulsing but still not convinced I’m not imagining it 🙈, dull AF ache but no cramps at all 😟. I was supposed to be going out tonight but just not feeling it and also not looking forward to explaining why I’m not drinking, used my back as an excuse and bailed. What a waste of a baby sitter.

Day 5: meltdown. Angry, upset, frustrated. Swearing, tears and just plain p’d off. Feeling alone and isolated once again. Stark white test didn’t help!

Day 6: AV ache all day. Nothing else, still awaiting that tell tale flutter, I suspect it’s now too late.

Day 7 & 8 : Nothing

Day 9: Swore I felt that flutter 9pm after nothing all day.

Day 10 onwards : nothing

Today the clinic will ring for me to give them the outcome. You’d think by now I’d be used to the disappointment but alas it seems to get worse. 3 BFN’s within 6 months has got to take its toll I suppose. I just need to shake myself up and get on with my life, at least until next transfer, hopefully it wont be too long. I have 2 more chances at my dream but to be honest it’s looking less and less likely to happen 😥😥 x

Letter to my Frozen Babies

How can I leave you there asleep, never to take your first breath, your first steps, your first day at school. How can I make the decision that you will never feel happiness, sadness or love.

But how can I allow you to perish when I have imagined your face, your silky hair and your teeny tiny feet, I have heard you laugh and seen how my baby will care for you in her own big sister way. I know what date you’ll be born and the outfit in which I will bring you home.

So how can I wish that this was all over? I am so sorry for these selfish thoughts, thinking of myself and how I can’t put myself through this any more. These weeks and months of nurturing the babies that never come. Having my dreams shattered over and over I just feel so helpless.

I feel so isolated and alone just like I did the first time around, but how could anyone possibly understand this? And why would they, I feel so guilty about these thoughts, I have my baby, my beautiful baby girl, what more could I ask for?

Because the truth is that I am the luckiest girl in the world, my miracle is snuggled next to me trying to console me and dry my tears.

But I just can’t leave you there, I have to try, I have no choice. You have a life to live too, you are always in my thoughts because you are and will always be my babies ❤❤❤

Transfer #7

Today is the first time that transfer has not been either enjoyable or emotional, it was more frustrating and uncomfortable!

Embryologist rang at 9.30am and asked us to be at the clinic for 12.15 with a comfortably full bladder.

As I was at work this morning, the earlier arrival at clinic (last 2 times it has been after 1pm) meant that I could not take my car home and travel back home afterwards with hubby. However I was happy enough about this and arrived at clinic at 12.15 with an almost full bladder. I was fourth in the list so was told it would be just after 1. By 1.30 I was getting quite uncomfortable so I spoke to nurse again and told it was going to be at least another 30 mins. I tried my best to hold on but was in pain by this point so had to empty my bladder a little, We continued to sit in the waiting room until 2pm, by this point I was again in too much discomfort to hold it all and had to relieve the pressure a little more.

Eventually we went in for transfer at 2.10pm having spent 2 very uncomfortable hours in the waiting room, thankfully my bladder was still full enough.

I signed the papers and had a chat with the embryologist who told me that the embryo although thawed well, had not yet completely expanded?? I’ve never come across this before, she did say though that it was still viable but I wonder why she would mention it if it made no difference. I have googled expansion but so far not found much information about this so am unsure really whether it makes a difference or not.

I got all prepared into the completely undignified position I know too well, feet in stirrups, speculum in place, it then took what seemed like forever for the embryologist to pass my embryo to the nurse, it got to the point I kept turning round to find out what was happening. I did worry at this point that maybe something had gone wrong or the emby had stopped developing. Transfer itself went OK, I made sure I got a picture this time although had to take it off the screen so is not the best

Now we can only wait and see. I’m hoping to hold out until Saturday 4DP5DT to test, we are supposed to be going out on Saturday night so I’m already thinking up ingenious excuses why I cannot drink, so far I have thought of exactly non 😂🙈.

OTD MONDAY 26th August. 2WW do your worst, I am ready for you xx

The calm before the storm . . . .

Today I have a plan. Unlike last transfer when I just couldn’t motivate myself I’m determined that this time I will prepare as I have for the previous 5 transfers. Dont get me wrong, I am well aware that preparation will make no difference to the outcome but it helps to put me in the right frame of mind for transfer tomorrow.

Unfortunately, although Tuesday is usually my day off, I have to go in work tomorrow for training. This is not ideal as I prefer to be completely relaxed on transfer day but it means I can combine childcare for training and transfer, I will have to meet hubby there.

I am feeling so excited for the phone call tomorrow to hear how #7 is growing and developing following the last 5 years in the freezer!

My plan for today:

A day of relaxation for me and my girl, lots of watching films and snuggling on the sofa.

Nutritious tea full of Omega 3 and vitamin D.

Nice long hot bubbly bath.

Early night watching long lost families.

Excited much 😁😁😁 x