OTD #9 – No More worrying

Today Mark’s a milestone. . . .

No more worrying about how long it will take until next cycle.
No more worrying how my body will respond to the drugs this time round
No more stressing how thick my lining will be or how many days I will need to take off work for scans, med pick up and transfers.

No longer feeling anxious about needing a bigger car, whether we need a loft conversion so we still have a spare room or whether the new baby will be as good as DD.  No longer fretting about my daughter and how the new baby will change the relationship we have and whether she will suffer.

And so today mark’s game over for me, my 8th BFN!

All I can do today is thank my lucky stars that I have what I always wanted, my beautiful baby girl and what a miracle she so obviously is. 

Today I start the rest of my life.  Thanks to everyone who has followed my journey and offered support, it has always been so welcome.

I hope all your dreams come true ❤❤❤❤ xx

9DP5DT – Messing with my head 🙈

So at 7DP5DT I swore I felt the tell tale flutter and decided to do a test. It was BFN. I’m not sure if it’s only me but I always keep the tests, never ever do i bin them and I have no idea why. All day i pick them up, put them in different light tilt them, squint my eyes in the desperate hope that I was wrong. Another reason is that I always see a feint second line even when I know in my heart that there is nothing there! Talk about torturing myself!!!!

So the test I did 2 days ago had been in the drawer in my bedside table ever since. This morning just to add to my torture, again I took it out to re-check what I had already checked over and over 🙈🙈. This morning there was a definite second line, quite a strong one. My head was screaming ‘IT’S AN EVAPORATION LINE’ but all day my heart has been saying maybe the test was faulty and just took longer to get the result ‘WHHAATTT LIKE 2 DAYS!!!’ so tonight I checked again and the line is completely gone, I so wish I’d taken a picture this morning!

I don’t know why I do this to myself, I still know though that an early BFN is much less stress for me than 2 weeks of PUPO and then a big fat BFN on OTD.

I’ll probably test again an Saturday which will be 11DP5DT. By then on FRER 2 days before OTD there should be a definite result.

6DP5DT – Almost Halfway . . .

I’ve realised today that over the last 52 weeks, 10 of them have been spent on 2 weeks waits. 20% of my year has been waiting and praying for the perfect outcome.

I’m halfway through today and not feeling like this outcome will be any different. I have felt no flutters as I did with both bfp’s I’m also full of a cold and have been since 1 day post transfer so feeling nothing but rough!!

At least following a negative result which I fear will be the case at least we will have closure and know we’ve done all we can to complete our family.

This 2ww feels different from all the others I’m too scared to test early for fear of the outcome. In every previous cycle I have always tested early as I always felt that it softened the blow of BFN on test day. Maybe it was because I always knew there were more chances.

Transfer #9 – A little emotional

The day started off OK, embryologist rang at 9.30 to say that #9 had thawed well, had to be at the clinic for 12.45 but this time to take my dressing gown as I would now need to change before entering the theatre.

I got an early train to be on the safe side and avoid any stress! Listening to music on my way there and found myself welling up to many of the tunes 😥 not feeling down as such just completely maudlin.

I got on the bus, I’m a creature of habit and the only time I ever get on a bus is to go from the station to the hospital for transfer. The bus is always empty and I always sit in the same seat, today there was a girl already waiting at the bus stop and would you believe out of all the seats , she sat in mine. On a normal day, something like this, I would not even think twice about but today it really p’d me off.

When we got to the hospital, I took pictures of everything, even the theatre as whatever happens I will never step foot through the doors again. Just reminiscing over the past 8 years since our very first appointment there. I’ve relaxed a bit tonight but still a little weepy.

I will never climb these stairs again

I have a feeling this 2ww is going to be my most difficult yet!

The Night before . . . .

I have got back to routine for my last ever transfer. Lazy evening, long bath, defuzzed and moisturised. Early night catching up with the soaps.

Awaiting the call tomorrow morning to let me know that hopefully #9 made it for transfer.

Not sure how I’m feeling tonight, but willing myself to remain calm and collected, at least until after transfer. Who knows what the next 14 days will bring x

Tick tock tick tock . . .

Day 15 scan today, I was a little disappointed as lining is only 6.8. Previous 3 cycles it’s been 8.2, 8.9 and a massive 10.2 with #8, it’s weird how your body can react so differently to the same meds cycle after cycle. Having said that, embys didn’t implant with the thickest linings, maybe they were just a bit too comfy 🤔.

6 days to go until my final and last ever two week wait, after 10 years I’m wondering what I will do if it doesn’t work. All the time, energy and planning spent working towards and through each cycle. I think it will feel slightly strange to know that there are no teaches, scans, blood tests, transfers or two week waits in my diary. Being able to book a holiday or night out without having to work out at what point in the cycle/ pregnancy I will/could be at. No more documenting every single AF and knowing to the hour what point I am in my cycle as I know at some point someone will want to know.

I wonder what I’ll do with the bottom drawer full of knitted cardigans and hats and brand new, never been worn babygros. I was sure that at least one out if 5 top class blastocyst embryos would be bound to work, it’s not as if I can’t get pregnant right?

And so now we wait, I’m really not looking forward to the last two week wait, I know only too well the effect they have on me, I’m trying to take a positive stance but can’t help feeling that in 3 week this rollercoaster that it’s the world if IVF will be well and truly over.

This last embryo is the day 6 as it didn’t grow as well as the others . . . . something had just hit me, something which I hadn’t even considered before, what if it doesn’t survive the thaw?? This has never happened to me yet but I’ve heard of others stories, that would be one final blow.

As you can probably tell I am much more anxious this cycle, I suppose we always knew even though we made the decision to stop after 2 then 4 we always had others to fall back on just in case it didn’t work.

Anxiety is rising

I always get anxious, from the day we request treatment all the way through treatment until way after test date. This time it’s no different.

Of course we decided that we have no option but to continue and give #9 the same chance that all my other babies had. I don’t think we ever seriously thought we wouldn’t. So here we go again. Oestradiol 2mg for two weeks, Scan 22nd and all being well transfer will be 28th Jan.

Last chance saloon here we come ❤❤❤

OTD – BFN #7 😥

I had to give the clinic the news today that #8 did not make it.

We were hoping that, as we had made the decision that my 45th birthday was D-day and we were not going to try again, we could now get on with our lives knowing that we had tried out best to create our perfect family.

However, things have not quite turned out like that. I spoke to the nurse to give her the result and asked if the embryologist could ring me to discuss our options. We still have one embryo, this one is a day 6 as did not make it to blast stage as quickly as the others.

So the options are: Transfer, Keep in storage for another 5 years, Donation, Research or disposal.

We are going to take 6 weeks out to decide where we want to go next, the decision is so hard.

Transfer- even if everything went to plan (which we all know, in the world of IVF it rarely does 😩) there is no way I could give birth before my 46th birthday! Meaning I’d be 50 before the child started school, is this fair on the child I keep asking myself.

Keep in storage – This isn’t really an option again due to my age, we would still have to make this same decision in 5 years and would not have option of transfer so there would be no point. We need to make a clean break away from clinics and meds and live our lives.

Donation – My initial feelings are that I could not consider this option either, as much as I would love to help another couple who are going through what we have been through, this embryo is my daughters full brother or sister and would they always feel that we had given up on them?? It almost feels like giving away my baby. I would always be wondering does he/she look like me or my daughter and praying that they are having a good life. What if they are donated to the wrong family 😔.

Research – Again this is something I know would be an honourable thing to do but to me this embryo is my baby and however much I’m told it is just a few cells I couldn’t help imagining them carrying out all these tests on a life that we created.

Disposal – I asked the embryologist what this entails and she told me they just remove it from the freezer and allow it to ‘perish’ I just dont know how we could do this 😭.

So now we are still in limbo, no idea what to do next, there just isn’t an option that is a ‘no brainer’ they all come with their own heartbreak.

After our conversation the embryologist went on to tell me all about my left over frostie, although slow it is a top grade blastocyst and is just as viable as the other 4 we had transferred this year and is doing well. This did not at all help with the conundrum and if anything made it even harder.

This is so hard, what do I do for the best? If only someone could make the decision for me.

Transfer #8

Today was my last ever transfer, my last time walking through the doors to a clinic I’ve grown to know so well.

Since TTC in 2009 we’ve been through so much it’s been a rollercoaster to say the least.

10 years, 20 internal scans, 16 blood tests, 157 injections, 380 yummy pessaries and 415 oestrogen tablets not to mention the hundreds of folic acid tablets taken needlessly, my story is almost at an end.

Today the transfer went to plan, embryologist rang at 10 and we had to be at the clinic for 12.15. Drank plenty of water. I was #3 on the list and went in for transfer at 1.20.

Had a quick chat with the embryologist, all was good with our day 5 emby so got changed and took up that oh so dignified position for the last time.

I got a cracking picture this time thanks to the nurse. I know these images well but for those who don’t, the tiny white dot in the uterine lining is the fluid encasing #8 embryo.

Now all we can do is wait and hope, OTD is 12th November. Here we go 2WW do your worst, this time I’m feeling stronger and determined you will not break me.

Watch this space xxx

#8 I’m a lucky girl!

Today was scan day on day 17 which is unusual, it’s usually day 13 or 14, I asked and was told it was because I started meds on day 3.

Frozen transfer again, my 4th this year and feeling not too optimistic. If frostie #1 had made it, he/she would be due next week.

Next friday is my 45th birthday and I just cant help but think about the future, I will be nearly 50 before he/she starts school 😥😥. Am I thinking about myself or my child? I would love my daughter to have a sibling. I would love to love another child but is it all about me??? I just cant bring myself to ask the clinic to destroy my babies.

Lining is 9.8 today fantastic results! This is number 4 frozen. My baby girl was #4 . Got to be optimistic.

Bring on those yummy, greasy, knickers ruining pessaries.

I have decided, it’s my 45 birthday next Friday, this is my last try, I can’t do this any more 😔😔 xx