I know it probably sounds strange especially to any of you who have not experienced the long drawn out process that is IVF. I got my letter this morning telling me that I could restart the process again in september so now I’m getting excited again, most likely setting myself up for a fall! !
So after a lovely few days away laughing with good friends and putting all this to the back of my mind, I get back and now, yet again it returns to my thoughts with avengeance! !
Sometimes I wish someone would tell me it was never going to happen so I could get closure, move on and decide on the next course of action. As long as there is a possibility though I know I will continue to put myself through it.
I’ve been reminded today of one of the worst things about this process and that is that no plans can be made more than a few weeks in advance. Last night some of our friends asked if we wanted to go on holiday with them in October. That is going to be the time that I will hopefully be right in the middle of my next cycle!! Because no one (or only 2 people) know about my ivf I couldn’t explain why we can’t go so had to make an excuse about not being able to miss college.
One of the things which is hardest to explain to ivf virgins is the fact that we can’t just ‘forget all about it till next cycle’ as advised by nurses on confirmation of BFN. It really does run ours lives and for a lot of people this is the case for a lot of years.
I had completely forgotten how good half and hour of fresh air and brisk exercise makes you feel. Not just at the time but all day. It looks like I’ve put all my attentions onto one thing for far too long and I think now is the time to get on with my life.
I’m sure it won’t make everything better overnight, I still don’t want to talk to anyone or go out if I don’t have to but at least I feel better whilst living the life of a hermit!!
If any of you are thinking of starting a new regime (or any at all, I’ve not done any exercise at all for a long long time!!) I would definately recommend the following two apps:
Couch to 5k – fantastic pod casts which ease you in gently, first week just running 60 second spurts and walking the rest. Excellent music for motivation.
The second one is map my run which runs in conjunction, tells you how far you’ve gone and how fast etc.
It’s amazed me how fast I’ve felt better and I’m sure this has defo helped. Watch this space, in 9 weeks I’ll be running 5k xx
Right, that’s it!!! Self pity over. No more tears and tantrums. No more paranoia or jealousy. I need to get on with my life!! Starting college in 5 weeks and need to sort myself out so can hit he ground running, it’s going to be hard enough!
My new life resolutions for tomorrow:
1: Eat more healthy, I WILL lose 1 stone by the time I start college.
2: Get fit – Couch to 5k podcast downloaded to my phone and running gear out ready for tomorrow morning. Aiming to run 3 days a week at least.
3: Take vitamins to help with conception and also to hopefully make me feel more positive.
TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE XXX
In my 38 years I have never experienced anything like this, I have always been outgoing, confident and bubbly. I’d talk to and get on with anyone but in the last few months things have been shifting slowly, gradually so as to creep up on me.
I am experiencing feelings that I never have before, insecurity about pretty much everything but mostly my relationship and it’s something that is completely out of the blue with no reason whatsoever. Jealousy (of all things that is something I thought I would never ever be!! ). I’m feel like I’m becoming withdrawn to the point of being needy! I’m finding I don’t want to leave the house if he’s not with me because I don’t want to talk to anyone. I go shopping and can’t even give eye contact to the cashier!! I feel like a zombie 24/7.
Where has the real me gone!! At times it’s verging on paranoia! ! I’d give anything right now to feel like me again 😥